When The Sh1t Got Real..!!

Hola! this is UCeejay and it's my official comedy blog. Oh heyy.. don't call it shitty blog. GTFO!! loser :x


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Sex is waste of time (Parody of Love is waste of time from the movie PK)

 

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It’s made just for fun, so please don’t take it serious or get offended.

Tujhe thok thok thokte rehna
Teri ooh aah ooh sunte rehna
Kaam-kaaj sab ki maa chudva ke
tere piche piche chodte rehna
ee to hai waste of time
Sex is a waste of time
Anal Venal waste of time
Ee Sex is waste of time

Aa aa aah… oh aah

Phir bhi sonch liya hun gandwa
Ek baar toh iss din maa
Kar le waste of time
Karna hai waste of time
I want to fuck all the time
I Love this bhaste of time..

Aa aa aah… oh aah

Poore 75 baar porn’wa dekhe
32 baar hum apna lund hilayein
8 martaba condom change kiye hum
Bhar bhar botal badhiya lube lagaaye
Maarte rahe, marvate rahe
Kiya na koi bhi kaam
Aaj samajh mein aa gaya behna
Sex is waste of time

Phir bhi sonch liya hun gandwa
Ek baar toh iss din maa
Kar le waste of time
Karna hai waste of time
I want to fuck my time
I Love this bhaste of time..

Aa aa aah… oh aah

Ajab ghajab si uthal hai lund mai
Kaisi hai ye fuddi kaise batayein
Baithe baithe bina baat hilayein
Kya hai maal kuch bhi samajh na aaye
Chodne ka mann kare mann ki jor jor chillaye
Aaj samajh mein aa gaya behna
Sex is bhaste of time

Phir bhi sonch liya hun gandwa
Ek baar toh iss din maa
Kar le waste of time
Karna hai waste of time
I want to fuck all the time
I Love this bhaste of time..

Aa aa aah… oh aahh


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WiFi (Parody of Fifi from the movie Bombay Velvet)


Jaata kahaan hai deewane?
Sab signals yahan hai sanam
Baaki ke saare networks
Jhoote hain teri kasam

Wifi, connect with my Wifi
connect with your iphone Wifi
2G 3G hai bura…..

Signals badalne lage, Ghabra ke ghatne lage
3G Mila Bhi Nahin, 2G Sambhalne Lage
Aji Suniye Huzoor, Jaana Humse Na Door
Aji Suniye Huzoor
Dekho network zone se uth kar hai jana bura
Jaata kahaan hai deewane?
Sab signals yahan hai sanam
Baaki ke saare networks
Jhoote hain teri kasam

Wifi, connect with my Wifi
connect with your iphone Wifi
2G 3G hai bura…..

3G package hai tere pas magar
Mujhko na yun tann ke dekh
Nadaan zara ek baar
Connect toh karke dekh
Password dalo mere yaar
Hai yeh pehli mulaqaat
Pasword dalo mere yaar

Jaata kahaan hai deewane?
Sab signals yahan hai sanam
Baaki ke saare networks
Jhoote hain teri kasam

Wifi, connect with my Wifi
connect with your iphone Wifi
2G 3G hai bura…..


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Aarti All Night! feat. Alok Nath (Parody of *Party of All Night* from the film Boss)

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Aaj Mandira Khullan Do
Mann Atma Ghullan Do
Agarbatti Da Pack Laga Ke
Saari Duniya Bhullan Do

Aarti All Night x3

We Do Aarti All Night

Sun Lo Sari Duniya Waalon
Jitna Bhi Tum Jor Laga Lo
Karenge Aarti Sari Raat
Ghante Mein Dum Hai Toh Band Karwa Lo

Aarti All Night x3

We Do Aarti All Night
Sun Lo Sari Duniya Waalon
Jitna Bhi Tum Jor Laga Lo
Karenge Aarti Sari Raat
Ghante Mein Dum Hai To Band Karwa Lo

Aaj Mandira Khullan Do
Mann Atma Ghullan Do
Agarbatti Da Pack Laga Ke
Saari Duniya Bhullan Do
Bajate Raho.. Ghanta x3
Bajate Raho

Aarti All Night x3

We Do Aarti All Night

Jisne Bhi Aarti Hai Karni
Aa Jao Mere Ghar Ke Bheetar
Agarbatti, Lekar Khane ko hai halwa pudi bheetar
Mathura, Banaras, Veshno Devi Ke Pujari Aye Hain
Sath Mein Bhajan Ki CDiyaan Bhi Layi Hain (T-series Gulshan Kumar present’s)
Shraddhalu Samagri Ki Ibb Khud Zimmedaar Hain
Kar Lo Aarti Sari Raat Kal Padwa Hai
Pooja Hogi Loud Toh Ammaji Sara Prasad Khalengi
Ibb Ammaji Ne Jake Kah Do Ye Aarti Yoon Hi Chalegi
Aarti All Night x3

We do Aarti All Night

Ammaji Laddo Utha Legi
Ammaji Barfi Utha Legi
Ammaji Peda Utha Legi
Ammaji Prasad Kha Legi

Phir Bhi Aarti Yoon Hi Chalegi

Aarti Yun Hi Chalegi x3
Yeh Aarti Yun Hi Chalegi

Sun Lo Sari Duniya Waalon
Jitna Bhi Tum Shor Macha Lo
Karenge Aarti Sari Raat
Ghante Mein Dum Hai Toh Band Karwa Lo

Aaj Mandira Khullan Do
Mann Atma Ghullan Do
Agarbatti Da Pack Laga Ke
Saari Duniya Bhullan Do

Bajate Raho.. Ghanta x3
Bajate Raho

Aarti All Night x3

We Do Aarti All Night

Khulla mandir khulla misthan
Har Koi Bole Ghar Nahi Jaana
Bapuji Ko Tu Karde Message
Aajari Karke Bahana
Aarti Hogi Bahut Bhayankar
Aarti Ke Gazab Nazaare
Dikkath Hai Bas Ek Baat Ki
Gaanv Mein Ek Hai  Alok Nath Purane

Ghaghra Wali Chori Ne Yun
Morti Chada Rakhi Hai
Ek Sambhal Na Hori Iss Se
Doosri Utha Rakhi Hai
Itni Badi Hogayi Hai Tab Bhi
Shadi Nahi Ho Rakhi Hai
Sanskar Tujhme Hai Tab Bhi
Mujhse Kanyadan Nahi Kara Rakhi Hai

Aarti All Night x3
We Do Aarti All Night

Ammaji Laddo Utha Legi
Ammaji Barfi Utha Legi
Ammaji Peda Utha Legi
Ammaji Prasad Kha Legi

Phir Bhi Aarti Yoon Hi Chalegi
Aarti Yoon Hi Chalegi x3
Sun Lo Sari Duniya Waalon
Jitna Bhi Tum Shor Macha Lo
Karenge Aarti Sari Raat
Ghante Mein Dum Hai Toh Band Karwa Lo

Aaj Mandira Khullan Do
Mann Atma Ghullan Do
Agarbatti Da Pack Laga Ke
Saari Duniya Bhullan Do

Bajate Raho.. Shankh x3

Bajate Raho
Ammaji Laddo Utha Legi
Ammaji Barfi Utha Legi
Ammaji Peda Utha Legi
Ammaji Prasad Kha Legi

Phir Bhi Aarti Yoon Hi Chalegi
Aarti Yoon Hi Chalegi x3
Aarti Yoon Hi Chalegi!! 😀

Alok_3[1]

© UCeejay 2014


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My Krrish 3 Experience in a Gaonwala Cinema Hall

Hello fellas! This is an article about the bollywood film Krrish 3 that I watched last week with my cousin whom I called like Roman do with Niko Bellic in Grand Theft Auto IV. He accepted and we made a plan to watch it in a truly authentic Indian Cinema Hall of a small town. As this film Krrish 3 belongs to be watched on a place like that. Desi sci-fi superhero bollywood film in a desi cinema hall. The name of the theater was “Jwala Talkies” means Fire. Just after listening the name I got scared of seeing fire in between the show. But after lots of consultation to ticketwala I was believed to feel secure.

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This is the image of the exterior of the cinema hall that I took from my luxurious sedan as we were the second owner of a car who came to Jwala talkies to watch the film. They put the sign of Dolby Digital outside as I experienced mono sound may be because audience were making so much of enthusiastic noise most of the time. As you can see most of the people came in their black bicycles that are quite ergonomically designed and have feature of upgradeable lugged roadster frame work and a white bag made of cotton cloth that is very admirable due to environment friendly nature. Like this was the true desi swag muffin in the house.

So first we enter in the hall the ambiance was filled with villagers who came to town from their villages wearing new clothes and oil combed hair. Wearing brand new shoes of funky colours, shining their big screen micromax and other Chinese phones. There was no serious sitting arrangement, everyone is free to wherever they want on the first come first basis. That is why crowd was making noise as the needle moves to 12. There were only two types of ticket. Deluxe where people sit in ground floor in just 40 rupees including all taxes and balcony in the upper floor by paying 20 bucks more. Seats were fixed, non-adjustable, hall smells like mixture of piss, booze and semen. But the people  looking really fresh and enthusiastic for the film as it is the third part of Krrish trilogy started by the film Koi.. Mil Gaya (2003) and Krrish (2006). The film was highly anticipated after the gap of 7 years.

Spoiler Alert: I would advise to read after watching!

As we remember in last part the story revolves around how Krrish (Hrithik Roshan) fight that crazy ass scientist and  meet his father in the end. Initially in the movie Krrish 3 scientist  Rohit Mehra is working on a device like that can bring dead organisms to alive. Getting life in dead bodies with the help of sunlight reflections.  Remember he use to be a scientist in the field of Physics where he invent Time Machine in previous part Krrish (2006). Now he is doing in the field of life science and Biotechnology. Wow! such a great scientist.. like where you see such a multi-talented person in the field of science. All thanks to his Bornvita eating habit. He lives with his macho son Krishna with muscular abs, chest and biceps made by steroids  and hottie daut-in-law Priya who calls Papa Papa all the time to Rohit for no reason. Maybe because Priyanka’s real father expired recently.

Krishna (Krrish) use to be work as securitywala in SIS, gets fired after a single scene. Yes, a superhero who is super intelligent, has ability to pass IIT, PMT, CA, IAS, IPS like exams like a boss but no! as his Dadi (Rekha) had not provided formal education to him for security reasons. Yea! blame Indian Education System here. A man who can pass any competitive exams has no right to appear just because his not graduated formal high-school. India needs an answer!. Later he worked for his wife in which he demanded 1-2cr kisses in salary. *May God Allah aur Bhagwan bless her big fat lips*. Krrish saves life mostly of kids and tell “Hum sabsme Krrish hai”. That reminded me of Dark Knight Rises’ “Anyone can be Batman..” dialog.

Priya (no surname), now Priya Mehra is a journalist working in Aaj Tak. And only the bread and Bornvita bringer in the house as his husband was jobless most of the time and her Papa remains busy in research. Still she is a great wife and doesn’t act bitchy like Preity Zinta in Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna maybe because his macho husband is good in bed. In previous part she use to work in Star News office of Singapore. She probably got move Aaj Tak as they offered her more package or she got fired from there as she use to make-up all the time or any other unknown reason. Whatsoever!

On the other hand there is a story of a mutant Magneto… Errr Kaal *Iss Kaal Kaal Mai Hum Tum Kare Dhamaal* without a surname as he is in search of his biological father. This is Vivek Oberoi’s debut negative role. *wooowww! Everyone is so excited for this after his highly criticized artistic work in his last film Grand Masti with r silent. He was in an unknown malady where his only two parts of the body was in working condition. First his head and second is his two digits (fingers)..  index and middle to be exect. *You know what I mean*. He lives in a laboratory far away in a place like a typical super-villain with principles. He is super intelligent, blah.. blah.. has created mutants which are half-human-half-animals called “maanwars”. They can sponsor Manyavar stores and get good money but they didn’t, I’ve so much respect for that.

Kangana Runout (Ranaut) as Kaya is one such mutant creation of Kaal by crossing human DNA with a chameleon. She always lookout for a cure for his malady with his other experiments. Her superpower is that she is a shapeshifter just like Terminator T1000. In introduction she said something like “Alag, anokhi, adbud hoon main, kyunki mera koi ateet nahin sirf” to a man in a seductive way. So, basically she wants to convince that she has no past, no affairs in her life and desperately need some man. 😛

There is an other experiment which Kaal cross breed human DNA with a frog, probably called Frog-man who uses his big long tongue to kill others, in other words he is playing Emran Hashmi. Frog-man has some serious issues that he can’t see others eating ice-cream. Just because of that Krrish comes and beat the shit out of him. The graphics while fighting with Krrish reminds me of good old  days of Boomber chewing gum ad.

Later the story moves around here. Kaal spreads some kinda unique virus like in the movie The Amazing Spiderman. The hero protects the spreading of virus in Mumbai city and saves the life of millions.*Yawn*. There comes the intermission.

IMG_20131106_133036_Fotor

This is the actual image of the scenario in the interval. From Cold-Drinkwala to Papadwala come there and start to sell their items before getting drinks and popcorn in PVR was cool. As you can see above Papadwala selling his papads for just 5, a dude relaxing in his funky new fake branded shoes. FYI Padpadwala gives papad and take money with his same hand. Immunity of people against harmful germs and diseases gets stronger by eating those papads. I tried and still suffering from lose motions. Here is the sound of cold-drinkwala making a special sound to ask for drinks just like frogs croak to get laid. https://soundcloud.com/uceejay/cold-drinkwala . So all and all everyone was happy crunching and drinking like they are having their picnic out there. There was poor kid of about 10 was eating a piece of pastry like he has never eaten before. It was the happiest moment of his life. :’)

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Enough melodrama, back to the movie. So the film moves where Priya get injured in some fight and get kidnapped by Kaal so that he can take DNA of Krrish from her fetus and make some other maanwar. He send Kaya for the replacement for Priya in her avatar and make them that her baby dies like Dabangg 2. Irony is that they can’t find she aint real, may be because Priya is treated like an object in her family. There are so many sarcastic dialogues in the film that not everyone can understand.

Later that *chudel* Kaya fall in love with man with juicy hard abs Krrish maybe she got bored with Kaal unparalysed two fingers and want a better man. But later on after coitus experience, Krrish understands that she is not her wife Priya but some other woman maybe because Priya loves anal. Rohit went back to Singapore and get to understand that he has a biological son which he was not aware of.. *Hufff Mahnn..!!* and that son was Kaal *Surprise Motherfucker!* He kidnap him to find cure of his unknown disease. And *Bang!* Krrish enters beat thugs with the help of Kaya. Kaya get killed by Kaal. Later he moves to Kaal but he get late and Kaal get cured and become some Crap-Man, crap because his low budget villain costume is made of cheaply painted aluminum coloured shit. He achieves his full power and kill the sexyboy Krrish, Yes there are three times where Hrithik Roshan dies. After seeing his corpse of Krrish, his dad Rohit scarifies his life by using is unprocessed life giving Sun machine with his magic pen that has been sponsored by Flair pens. *Second Time*

The Krrish flew away to Mumbai city where Kaal is preaching all to worship as he is the new God, Krrish is dead now. Priya says “Krrish ek soch hai, jisko koi bhi Kaal khatam kar sakta.. blah.. blah.. I was like Krrish ek chori wali, gandi aur ghatia sonch hai. *Bang!* Krrish comes and starts to beat him like usual. Many Mumbai buildings get thrashed. Moves to Tata Motors service center where Krrish get stabbed by a metal cylindrical pipe in his abdomen *Third Time*. As Kaal can’t die like that Krrish uses his father’s magic pen, somehow get reflection from the buildings of Mumbai and vanish Kaal.
Later on Priya delivers a baby boy who get named after his late grandfather Rohit. So, basically in every Krrish series there would a Rohit Mehra. And main job of actresses is to give baby for sequels. Baby showed his signs to have super powers of Monkey-man more whatever. I will not be surprised if he has Kaal’s trait. People for 3 to 6 show already started to get enter in the hall and started to fight for pre-occupying their seats. After that I went to local market and bought wrist band by Krrish and this water bottle for gym so that I can get those abs one day. AmenIMG_20131129_213951

Thanks! for reading my bokwaas article.. Love you guys!

*THE END*


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Papaji ki Jooti.. (“Babaji ki Booti” Parody from the movie Go Goa Gone)

babaji-001

Hmm hmm hmmm… (Spits…)
Hmm hmm hmmm..Dude!
Le pit ab
Papaji ki jooti
Papaji ki jooti
Papaji ki jooti lala la la…
Papaji ki jooti lala la la…
Bike.Bhari.Bane hum hero
Life lage jhand, ladkiyan zero
Laffde – bandon ki gandi harkat
Jooti – Papaji ki barkat
Papaji ki jooti, lala la la
Papaji ki jooti, lala la la


Oh o o..
Let me take you to the Papaji
Dant manjan pabuji, sukh hanjan papaji
Aye aye pitne papaji powerful papaji
Jootiful Papaji Ho agar kisi ladki ka chakkar
Ya ho boss tera daaru-drugs ka jhanjhat
Jooti – har duvidha ka solution
Bhoosi – de constipation mai potion
Papaji ki jooti lala la la..
Papaji ki jooti lala la la..Woh dekh, woh kya hai? Hawai jahaj hai kya?
Naa re pagle, plane
Arey dekh underwear nahi hai, Tarzan!
Na that is Papaji
Papaji ki jooti
Papaji ki jooti.

 
Papaji aae bhago
Bhago papaji aae
Daaru ki saari bottles ko leen kar dijiye
Mobiles ki phonebook se call girls ke numbers delete kar dijiye
Yahan chote, bado mein koi bhed nahi hai
Papa ke joote mai heel toh hai
Magar chalne ke liye sala koi sole nahi hai
Ladkibazon ke pichwade pe
Izzat ki langoti, uspar padi Papaji ki jooti

Papaji ki jooti

Papaji I hate you! 😀

 


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Sh1t That Happens in Typical Indian Weddings

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Hello! Bhaiyo aur meri Saheliyo! Sorry for this post that I am going to write.. wait a second… I am actually writing. Err Again. Hello! Bhaiyo aur Saheliyo! Sorry for such a long time to write a new post. Sach Sach Batao Kiss Kiss ne mujhe miss kiya? Ummm Hmmm Aaan Haan!! 😉

Advertisement: Vicco Turmeric, nahi cosmetic. Vicco Turmeric Ayurvedic Cream. Keel Muhaso ke jade se hataye, twacha ke gunn isme samaye. Vicco Turmeric Ayurvedic Cream.!!Vicco-Turmeric-900x900This article is all about what sh1t we usually see in our big fat Indian weddings. Yes Shaadi, that way in which parents of the bride and grooms wants to get away from their children and finally let their life live in their way independently. Band baja-wala, Nagede-wala, phool-wala, singers, DJs, Indian-wear fashion Industry, catering-wala, nayi (barber), pundito ki roti ka aadhar. Ression ho ya Inflation shaadi mubarak zindabaad! Indian wedding are not about the bonding of two straight people. It is about the bonding of two families where couples have to attach with every other family member including that buddhi dadi who speaks gibberish and on liquid diet. For couple’s family. The first thing they think about wedding is the organization of the ceremony. In working middle class parents have to arrange a separate fixed deposit bank account so that they can easily pay all the spendings without installments and all that financial shit. Because even if the family can not afford the spendings of their normal day to day.

This is what google search result comes out when you type Indian Wedding.

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They all do so much just for the pseudo show off. Inflation might have burned a hole in mango people’s pocket but the Indian wedding is as big and fat as ever. For all other family members and relatives. It is all about heavy shopping, food and floor breaking dance. So first I tell you all about this heavy shopping specially of outfits and accessories. IMG_20130414_195302-1 Shopping, shopping and more Goddamn shopping. Specially with these women. Sorry girls! I am not some kind of jerk or who hate all this culture and tradition but yes this shit all happen when a typical Indian lady do prepare after listening about someone is getting married. 😀 Lagun ke liya yeh dress. Shagun ke liye woh wali saree. Mehndi ke liya woh wala kurta. Sangeet mai chiffon wali saree. Jaymala wali night woh naya designer lehnga. Shoes, sandals, watches, bangles, perfumes, and lot of more expensive stuffs that I am familiar with. So overall it becomes hours and time and money and never ending satisfaction. Because no matter how much you spend, how gorgeous you look, the next lady would definitely appearing better. 😛

After writing this I’ve very less chances of getting laid this week) For men it is the most the moment of chaos and usually takes very less time in comparison to women. Most of the people use to wear suit and tie, kurta pajama or sherwani. For this all they need either go to retail outlets and simply purchase as per their size. But if the person is very fussy about the what he wears or of abnormal size. He has to give to tailor master and have to wait for weeks to get. Not the all like women but most the bachelors and some freaks. Most prefer to wear kurta pajamas and try to look like Shahrukh of K3G even when they have a face of Saif  in Roadside Romeo. 😀 IMG_20130414_200410-002 Advertisement: Bajradanti bajradanti Vicco bajradanti..!! Vicco powder vicco paste..!! ♫ Aayurvedic Jadebootiyo se bana sampoorn swadesi. Vicco powder vicco paste. Vicco!! Bajradanti!! 😀 vicco_vajradanti_medium-500x500 After meaningless shopping of dressings. Here comes the arrival of the both parties. Ladkiwale “The bride’s side” and Ladkewale “The groom’s side”. Traditionally Ladkiwale arrange the arrangements for all the ceremonies and functions. Now here it comes the main event where everyone is gets ready with all glittering and sleekly face. Double facial, heavy makeups, loads of precious jewelry to show off. Normal people do wass up? and some people started to do up wass! 😉 Yes, the fast of not eating so that they can enjoy different different varieties of culinary at the same evening. Usually in Indian wedding locally invited people mostly are not interested to know about the bride and groom, what they do, where they are from, how much money they spend on everything else. They all eat four times of their regular appetite and then say aaj toh *kuchh zyada ho gya*. (Clapping).

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Different people, different way to enjoy the meal. Non-vegan mostly attack on the chicken dishes and eat like they are eating after years or will not able to eat after that. Many of you guys familiar with tradition Punjabi way of eating where the person take a regular plate, fill up with a pound of rice or pulao. The classical way is to keep it in the shape of some conical mountain. No matter what they like, know about the dish. All the gravies on the top, middle with dried dishes, the sides are filled with naan, puri or any other kinda bread. They try to fill serve everything in their plate/s.

So that next time whenever they meet to someone, they can not say I didn’t tried that, I missed that or make fun of someone who didn’t tasted. 😛 After food here comes the time to dance. The part of the time when every creature wants to express that they have guts to dance like MJ, Usher, Shakira, Beyonce. In the end of the day, they have to deal with Govinda, Sri Devi, Anil Kapoor swag. In weddings no matter a person ever dance in rest of other moments but he or she have to dance like a freak. From a 3 year old who just stated to walk properly an uncle with all grey hair. Just dance like they won some big battle and it’s time to celebrate until they collapse. In typical Punjabi weddings or say a free booze party where usually men drink like they will never ever gonna get a glass of liquor to drink in rest of their life. After drinking glasses all they go crazy and dance in, what say.. Just daans!. -_-

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Usually the dance of the family members of the groom side (Ladkewale) starts from the classical ceremony called “Ghudsavari” where groom riding a mare comes with his side and with the dancing shoes on the public road. In arrangements a group of so called band comes with the party. All the Nagadawala beats their Nagada (big Indian drum) and few big military hand drum sturdily no matter where they are, it’s incredible India. Mostly in Indian weddings a wedding singer is also arranged who is the best example of the people who think they can do all the job of the day in couple of hours. I mean they don’t have any singing talent or so but all they do is sing the limited number of bollywood songs that they mugged up. Though the main concern of them is not singing, as they are can do voice of both male and female, yea right! they also sing songs by female artists by making a painful ear bleeding high pitch voice. Although wherever you go in North India. They always sing these limited number of songs for sure whithout it no wedding can be finished. Songs like “Naagin, the snake song”, Aaj mere yaar ki shaadi hai”, “Kudi Punjaban dil chura ke”, “Kajra re” “Munni Badnaam Hui” etc in the as high volume as they can arrange.

Here are a couple of clips of Indian wedding dances that you may like to enjoy. 😀

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=327098337416818&set=vb.188365381302107&type=2&theater http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jcstt9Ry8i8