When The Sh1t Got Real..!!

Hola! this is UCeejay and it's my official comedy blog. Oh heyy.. don't call it shitty blog. GTFO!! loser :x


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Missed Call Bling (Parody of Drake’s Hotline Bling)

You used to study all night
You used to, you used to
Yeah!

You used to study all night on your wooden desk
Early morning when you need my aashirwaad
Call me on my incoming free wali voda SIM
Early morning when you give me missed call
And I know when that it is your missed call bling
That can only mean one thing
I know when that you need full talktime wala recharge
That can only mean one thing

Ever since you left the city for PMT classes you.. you..
You have made a lot of boyfriends for yourself now
Even Sharmaji knows and I feel left out
Girl you got me down my izzat, you got me stressed out
‘Cause ever since you left the city, you
Started wearing chote kapde and going out more with gande ladke
Glasses of sharaab, non-veg eating out on the disco pub (ullu ke patthi)
Hanging with aawara ladke I’ve never seen before

You used to study all night long on your lamp light
Early morning when you need my aashirwaad
Call me on my incoming free wali voda SIM
Early morning when you give me missed call
And I know when that it is your missed call bling
That can only mean one thing
I know when that you need full talktime wala recharge
That can only mean one thing

Ever since you left the city, you, you, you
I planned you will become doctor one day
Gyanacologist, Dermatologist or Pathologist
You have to lower your dowry for the wedding day
Going places where you don’t belong
Ever since you left the city, you
You got exactly what you asked for
Running out of balance in your ATM
Hanging with awara ladke I’ve never seen before

You used to study all night on your wooden desk
Early morning when you need my aashirwaad
Call me on my incoming free wali voda SIM
Early morning when you give me missed call
And I know when that it is your missed call bling
That can only mean one thing
I know when that you need full talktime wala recharge
That can only mean one thing

These days, all I do is
Wonder if you turning pages of H.C. Verma’s Physics
Wonder if you’re making notes from Pradeep’s Chemistry
Doing things I taught you, getting good rank in your PMT exam
You use to sleep early and wake early
You use to fill water bottles and put in refrigerator
Why you wake so late?
Why you not touching feet of elders?
Used to always stay at home, be a good girl
You was in a study zone, yeah
You should just be like that old girl
Right now, you’re someone else

You used to study all night on your study lamp
Early morning when you need my aashirwaad
Call me on my incoming free wali voda SIM
Early morning when you give me missed call
And I know when that it is your missed call bling
That can only mean one thing
I know when that you need full talktime wala recharge
That can only mean one thing

Ever since you left the city (ullu ki patthi)

MEME2015-11-03-12-19-36

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Papaji ki Jooti.. (“Babaji ki Booti” Parody from the movie Go Goa Gone)

babaji-001

Hmm hmm hmmm… (Spits…)
Hmm hmm hmmm..Dude!
Le pit ab
Papaji ki jooti
Papaji ki jooti
Papaji ki jooti lala la la…
Papaji ki jooti lala la la…
Bike.Bhari.Bane hum hero
Life lage jhand, ladkiyan zero
Laffde – bandon ki gandi harkat
Jooti – Papaji ki barkat
Papaji ki jooti, lala la la
Papaji ki jooti, lala la la


Oh o o..
Let me take you to the Papaji
Dant manjan pabuji, sukh hanjan papaji
Aye aye pitne papaji powerful papaji
Jootiful Papaji Ho agar kisi ladki ka chakkar
Ya ho boss tera daaru-drugs ka jhanjhat
Jooti – har duvidha ka solution
Bhoosi – de constipation mai potion
Papaji ki jooti lala la la..
Papaji ki jooti lala la la..Woh dekh, woh kya hai? Hawai jahaj hai kya?
Naa re pagle, plane
Arey dekh underwear nahi hai, Tarzan!
Na that is Papaji
Papaji ki jooti
Papaji ki jooti.

 
Papaji aae bhago
Bhago papaji aae
Daaru ki saari bottles ko leen kar dijiye
Mobiles ki phonebook se call girls ke numbers delete kar dijiye
Yahan chote, bado mein koi bhed nahi hai
Papa ke joote mai heel toh hai
Magar chalne ke liye sala koi sole nahi hai
Ladkibazon ke pichwade pe
Izzat ki langoti, uspar padi Papaji ki jooti

Papaji ki jooti

Papaji I hate you! 😀

 


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Sh1t That Happens in Typical Indian Weddings

barat-1

Hello! Bhaiyo aur meri Saheliyo! Sorry for this post that I am going to write.. wait a second… I am actually writing. Err Again. Hello! Bhaiyo aur Saheliyo! Sorry for such a long time to write a new post. Sach Sach Batao Kiss Kiss ne mujhe miss kiya? Ummm Hmmm Aaan Haan!! 😉

Advertisement: Vicco Turmeric, nahi cosmetic. Vicco Turmeric Ayurvedic Cream. Keel Muhaso ke jade se hataye, twacha ke gunn isme samaye. Vicco Turmeric Ayurvedic Cream.!!Vicco-Turmeric-900x900This article is all about what sh1t we usually see in our big fat Indian weddings. Yes Shaadi, that way in which parents of the bride and grooms wants to get away from their children and finally let their life live in their way independently. Band baja-wala, Nagede-wala, phool-wala, singers, DJs, Indian-wear fashion Industry, catering-wala, nayi (barber), pundito ki roti ka aadhar. Ression ho ya Inflation shaadi mubarak zindabaad! Indian wedding are not about the bonding of two straight people. It is about the bonding of two families where couples have to attach with every other family member including that buddhi dadi who speaks gibberish and on liquid diet. For couple’s family. The first thing they think about wedding is the organization of the ceremony. In working middle class parents have to arrange a separate fixed deposit bank account so that they can easily pay all the spendings without installments and all that financial shit. Because even if the family can not afford the spendings of their normal day to day.

This is what google search result comes out when you type Indian Wedding.

wed 01-001

They all do so much just for the pseudo show off. Inflation might have burned a hole in mango people’s pocket but the Indian wedding is as big and fat as ever. For all other family members and relatives. It is all about heavy shopping, food and floor breaking dance. So first I tell you all about this heavy shopping specially of outfits and accessories. IMG_20130414_195302-1 Shopping, shopping and more Goddamn shopping. Specially with these women. Sorry girls! I am not some kind of jerk or who hate all this culture and tradition but yes this shit all happen when a typical Indian lady do prepare after listening about someone is getting married. 😀 Lagun ke liya yeh dress. Shagun ke liye woh wali saree. Mehndi ke liya woh wala kurta. Sangeet mai chiffon wali saree. Jaymala wali night woh naya designer lehnga. Shoes, sandals, watches, bangles, perfumes, and lot of more expensive stuffs that I am familiar with. So overall it becomes hours and time and money and never ending satisfaction. Because no matter how much you spend, how gorgeous you look, the next lady would definitely appearing better. 😛

After writing this I’ve very less chances of getting laid this week) For men it is the most the moment of chaos and usually takes very less time in comparison to women. Most of the people use to wear suit and tie, kurta pajama or sherwani. For this all they need either go to retail outlets and simply purchase as per their size. But if the person is very fussy about the what he wears or of abnormal size. He has to give to tailor master and have to wait for weeks to get. Not the all like women but most the bachelors and some freaks. Most prefer to wear kurta pajamas and try to look like Shahrukh of K3G even when they have a face of Saif  in Roadside Romeo. 😀 IMG_20130414_200410-002 Advertisement: Bajradanti bajradanti Vicco bajradanti..!! Vicco powder vicco paste..!! ♫ Aayurvedic Jadebootiyo se bana sampoorn swadesi. Vicco powder vicco paste. Vicco!! Bajradanti!! 😀 vicco_vajradanti_medium-500x500 After meaningless shopping of dressings. Here comes the arrival of the both parties. Ladkiwale “The bride’s side” and Ladkewale “The groom’s side”. Traditionally Ladkiwale arrange the arrangements for all the ceremonies and functions. Now here it comes the main event where everyone is gets ready with all glittering and sleekly face. Double facial, heavy makeups, loads of precious jewelry to show off. Normal people do wass up? and some people started to do up wass! 😉 Yes, the fast of not eating so that they can enjoy different different varieties of culinary at the same evening. Usually in Indian wedding locally invited people mostly are not interested to know about the bride and groom, what they do, where they are from, how much money they spend on everything else. They all eat four times of their regular appetite and then say aaj toh *kuchh zyada ho gya*. (Clapping).

lots-of-choices-on-the-buffet1

Different people, different way to enjoy the meal. Non-vegan mostly attack on the chicken dishes and eat like they are eating after years or will not able to eat after that. Many of you guys familiar with tradition Punjabi way of eating where the person take a regular plate, fill up with a pound of rice or pulao. The classical way is to keep it in the shape of some conical mountain. No matter what they like, know about the dish. All the gravies on the top, middle with dried dishes, the sides are filled with naan, puri or any other kinda bread. They try to fill serve everything in their plate/s.

So that next time whenever they meet to someone, they can not say I didn’t tried that, I missed that or make fun of someone who didn’t tasted. 😛 After food here comes the time to dance. The part of the time when every creature wants to express that they have guts to dance like MJ, Usher, Shakira, Beyonce. In the end of the day, they have to deal with Govinda, Sri Devi, Anil Kapoor swag. In weddings no matter a person ever dance in rest of other moments but he or she have to dance like a freak. From a 3 year old who just stated to walk properly an uncle with all grey hair. Just dance like they won some big battle and it’s time to celebrate until they collapse. In typical Punjabi weddings or say a free booze party where usually men drink like they will never ever gonna get a glass of liquor to drink in rest of their life. After drinking glasses all they go crazy and dance in, what say.. Just daans!. -_-

Hindistan_damatlik.5

Usually the dance of the family members of the groom side (Ladkewale) starts from the classical ceremony called “Ghudsavari” where groom riding a mare comes with his side and with the dancing shoes on the public road. In arrangements a group of so called band comes with the party. All the Nagadawala beats their Nagada (big Indian drum) and few big military hand drum sturdily no matter where they are, it’s incredible India. Mostly in Indian weddings a wedding singer is also arranged who is the best example of the people who think they can do all the job of the day in couple of hours. I mean they don’t have any singing talent or so but all they do is sing the limited number of bollywood songs that they mugged up. Though the main concern of them is not singing, as they are can do voice of both male and female, yea right! they also sing songs by female artists by making a painful ear bleeding high pitch voice. Although wherever you go in North India. They always sing these limited number of songs for sure whithout it no wedding can be finished. Songs like “Naagin, the snake song”, Aaj mere yaar ki shaadi hai”, “Kudi Punjaban dil chura ke”, “Kajra re” “Munni Badnaam Hui” etc in the as high volume as they can arrange.

Here are a couple of clips of Indian wedding dances that you may like to enjoy. 😀

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=327098337416818&set=vb.188365381302107&type=2&theater http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jcstt9Ry8i8